It is 2020 and it has been 13 years since the first time I was raped. The journey has been long, hard, and still on-going.
Thirteen years ago, I would of never imagined my Life to be where it is today. I have found a happiness I imagined was not attainable for me. A happiness that isn’t bestowed upon a woman whom is filthy, unworthy, and overused. Those three words were rooted into my beliefs when I was raped, blamed, and then shamed for it.
An ongoing internal battle with loud voices has taken place in my head for as long as I can remember. I’ve managed to tame the voice that rooted from Anger and Hurt. That voice still exists, & I respect it because it has every right to be there. I’ve learned to honor it. Honoring it gives me space to also embrace the Happy/Grateful/Evolving voice in my head. Without one or the other, neither could have ever existed. If I hadn’t been raped then something else would of broke my heart the same way and I would of fought just as hard as I have in this life.
Most of my days now a days are filled with gratitude overall. This same gratitude helps me feel and experience all the bright colors in this life. I am able to speak about Rape Culture with ease because I have healed my wounds tremendously. It is very rare that I return to that scared teenager that had no idea of her own greatness.
My husband, with good intention and a sweet heart, surprised me with a couple’s massage at a Spa with amazing reviews. I was so excited to get pampered and most importantly for us to be pampered together. Getting a full body massage was something I had not yet experienced. We were greeted with warm smiles and a welcoming energy. The space smelled great, looked classy, and was intimate. My excitement was dominant all the way to stripping down to my underwear. We had been suggested to undress to our comfort level, and with my husband present- I felt very comfortable.
Again, it’s rare that I return to that teenager when she was first raped. On that massage table, with the Zen vibes, the relaxing music, and professional hands catering to my body- I fell into that abyss I knew too well. Panic flowed through every inch of my body and the remainder of the session became me reminding myself all the lessons I have learned. “The world is a beautiful place, with amazing people”. “Good people exist”. “I attract limitless positive abundance”. The list went on and on. It was, in a way, the longest and most intimate “trust exercise” I have done. I had the option to stop it all; to remove myself completely. I am glad that I didn’t let FEAR run my life at that moment and I faced it with intention.
As a sexual abuse survivor, you will be triggered when you least expect it. Unrelated situations will arise that will make you question who you are today, and we cannot move backwards! As a survivor, memories will flood back and that same feeling may cringe your gut all over again. When this happens, speak up! Share your experience with your support system. Acknowledge what triggered you, and speak on the emotions that spiral. Know that you have a voice and it matters! Know you deserve to be free from your past and that you deserve Love, Respect, and Happiness.
If you are in PG County, here is a list of resources for anyone out there.
CAFY is a great organization and I have been a guest speaker beforehand. May your day be great, your life be joyous, and may you find your worth within your beautiful self.
You are also, of course, more than welcome to contact me as well.
Thank you for taking your time.
Give Love. Receive Love. Be Love.